your skin is showing

faker

2009-07-23T00:37:00.002-06:00

SO did anyone know that spiders can play dead? Yesterday there was a spider playing dead in my kitchen on the floor. It was laying all crumpled and crooked and I almost stepped on it - and actually had thought that I DID because I thought the bastard was dead and was cringing at the thought of having unknowingly stepped on it (with my bare feet)
So I went to go get a tissue to grab it and flush it and then when I grabbed it, it of course started freaking out, ran frantically away, I pursued it, killed it flushed it. the end.
Why does this matter? It doesn't.
But I though it was funny.
ish
And I didnt't want to write about what is really bothering me of course

recovering drama queen

2008-09-19T00:51:00.003-06:00

So first of all, I'd like to thank stupid Qwest for making me question my spelling of the word "queen". (AND the word, "question" for that matter) Jerks.
Ok, I am a recovering drama queen.
I think, or, am led to believe at this point in time, that it is similar to a recovering alcoholic, where they are ALWAYS in recovery for the rest of their lives. I am SO good at catching my friends at it, but I always seem to catch myself a moment too late.
AAAAHHHGGGHHGHHH !!!!!!!!!!!
Why do we have to have instant messaging and email and text?!?! WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?
As if I don't put my foot in my mouth enough as it is - and other people too. This "digital communication" thing has gotten WAY out of hand, and I need to not write things to people. That's why blogging is better. Anonymous blogging to be precise. There are only so many words you can take back, and say "just forget I said that" to.
Oh, and while I'm at it - (and this has been bugging me for a while) why do we say we just put our foot in our mouth?
Because I'm pretty sure that on such occasions, I would have been MUCH better off IF my foot WERE ACTUALLY IN my mouth, therefore obstructing my ability to speak at such moment.
It's just the stupid negative voices in my head telling me stupid negative crap and it sounds so intelligent and convincing, and then I act on it by speaking (writing in this case) and then what? RETRACT!!!!!!!! Oh wait you can't do that - you just have to sit back and ride the wave of humiliation until it dies.
Why do I always have to be so damn clever? It's just NOT and I know it by now. I was merely having a relapse. If only the people involved can realize that and realize that it's not really me - it's just a stupid moment that I'm having. Oh God. It's probably the same voices saying all of this: "You're an idiot! Why did you say that?! Why didn't you just wait until you took a chill pill?! Now what are you going to do? Think of some other "clever" thing to say to redeem yourself?!"
How much honesty is relevant in these situations? Hmmmm? Anyone? (That's rhetorical by the way. Kind of.) I mean, EXACTLY how much back-paddling is appropriate before you've run the boat aground or over a cliff? I mean really. Now what?
Especially if they've misunderstood you and thought it was innocent? Or maybe they're just pretending to misunderstand so they can avoid the awkwardness of the situation and divert the subject - and then I'll go and try to back paddle and actually end up digging an atrocious hole to climb into and then bury myself. That would be FANTASTIC. Really. Lovely.
I"ll just ignore it and... oh yeah that will be really productive as usual. Oh yeah.

blah

2008-09-17T19:11:00.004-06:00

peeling off the armor
it's useless anyway
the one who does the greatest harm
lives within the gates
surrender is
the most effective weapon
a skillful and yet artless hand it takes

(there should be more to this, but it's all I have right now)
---------------

people in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
people in soft houses can throw around all the glass they want
as long as it's not any of the broken glass they were throwing around before
in the stone house

eavesdropping - or - why gmail makes me laugh

2008-06-24T14:03:00.005-06:00

I love gmail because it puts links like this at the side of the page when I am reading the email with the posts in it about the "opportunity knocks hard" blog. Gmail is thinking...
"Hmmm... skin is showing; mask, peel; a seedy underbelly full of tumors - here - check this out."
Cheeky little gmail.

XHTML Skins
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Aveda - Official Site
Free Shipping + Sample with Order, Shop Hair, Skin and Body Care.
www.aveda.com

RareMinerals™ Skincare
Discover New Natural Skincare From The Creators of bareMinerals®
www.BareEscentuals.com

ClarisonicOnSale $175
Skin Care Brush Kit
Free S/H for all skin care products
www.skincarechoice.com

How to tighten skin
Discover how to tighten skin from any bodywhere. Spot target fat.
www.beatsliposuction.com

Skin Zinc Review
Top 5 Acne Treatments Revealed... Be Acne Free in 72 Hours Guaranteed
www.AcneCuresRevealed.net

Retinol-A Skin Cream 3.99
200,000 IU Retinol-A with grapeseed oil. Instant grant saves you $8.00
www.OneLifeUSA.com

This also reminds me why one should never respond to a conversation one is eavesdropping on. Which I have done before, to a bit of a disaster.
But, I love eavesdropping too, gmail - that's why we're friends.

opportunity knocks hard

2008-06-24T03:01:00.004-06:00

Man, you sure can learn a lot about a person by pissing them off.
Of course there's no GUARANTEE that you will learn anything, BUT if you can manage to get your own ego out of your own way - there's a golden opportunity there. Of course there's the chance that the newfound info will be nigh useless, but it's sure to be fascinating if you can manage to see it.

Songs I love right now

2008-06-20T22:57:00.006-06:00

I can't stop listening to these songs! - Even though I have truly been listening to them SO MUCH it's now making me sick, and I'm probably going to die from it. (remember when you were a little kid and you kept eating carrots all the time, and your mom said, "you're going to turn into a carrot!") Well, I'm gonna turn into a... these songs, I guess. That will be weird. But maybe also very cool...
But I love them dang it!

Don't Panic - Coldplay
Politik - Coldplay
Evil - Interpol
Black Dirt - Sea Wolf
The Promise - Sea Wolf
You're a Wolf - Sea Wolf
The Cold, The Dark, & The Silence - Sea Wolf
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
Accidental Deth - Rilo Kiley
Dreamworld - Rilo Kiley
Breakin' Up - Rilo Kiley
It's a Hit - Rilo Kiley
Give a Little Love - Rilo Kiley
The Angels Hung Around - Rilo Kiley
Paint's Peeling - Rilo Kiley
Capturing Moods - Rilo Kiley
Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol
Run - Snow Patrol
Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Fortress - Pinback
Twentysomething - Kate Laurel Smith
Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John
I Know I Know I Know - Tegan and Sara
It's In Our Hands -Bjork
An End Has a Start - Editors
Hurricane - Athlete
Someone to Love - Fountains of Wayne
Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers
The Sound of Settling - Death Cab For Cutie
Title and Registration - Death Cab For Cutie
Nevermind the Phonecalls - Earlimart
World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
Early Winter - Gwen Stefani
Can't Help But Wait - Trey Songz

I know those last two are kind of random compared to the rest, but that's my style. (85% alternative, 2% pop/R&B)

does anyone else do this?

2008-06-06T00:12:00.004-06:00

So, you know how you can't walk past the refrigerator without opening it to see if there's anything good in there? In fact, sometimes you'll get up off the couch and actually walk out of the room you're currently in and GO INTO the kitchen to check the fridge - AND you do this even though you did it a few minutes ago, so you KNOW there's nothing good in there? In fact there may even have been nothing AT ALL in there the last time you checked which was like, 20 minutes ago? But you still open it and look inside. AND you sort of can't remember why you opened it, cause it's kind of like your brain is temporarily checked out each time, maybe because your want for there to be something good in the fridge is greater than the intelligence that observes the world and the contents of the fridge and the fact that there aren't any - or any worth eating?
Hmmm...
No - It's that the desire for something good to eat is at the forefront of your mind, and the information gathered about reality is, well, what's it gonna do? The desire for food keeps butting in front of it!
Anyway, that's kind of what I do with email. Yes I'm ashamed. It's ridiculous. This is why: Because I don't email anyone! Yet I check my email everyday, sometimes more than once a day (sometimes more than that - but also, sometimes not every day) to see if anyone special has sent me an email. And even though I do get mail, and some of it is stuff that applies to me, I realized recently that's not it. Cause I'm always disappointed for some odd reason. How crazy is that? Like the old woman on "Donnie Darko". Only SHE was seeing the future (or was it the past - it all gets so convoluted) so she only APPEARED to be crazy to everyone who didn't know that time was bent for her. Maybe I'm seeing the future. Good grief. Well, at least I KNOW it's crazy. Hallelujah!! Anyway, I'm going to try to stop being obsessive-compulsive-email-checking-girl. Or at least find someone to send a message to so that there is an actual reason for the disappointment. Sheesh!

How...

2008-06-05T00:42:00.001-06:00

... do people write short blogs?

I don't know.

Perhaps like this.

Orange Crush

2008-06-04T23:27:00.007-06:00

Why do we like people that we don't even know? Because they're attractive to us. Why are they attractive to us? Because their features are assembled in a particular way? Why are only some people attracted to some people, and not others attracted to them and them attracted to others?
It's always been a vibration with me. Seriously. Plain old good-looking is just nice to look at, not crush-warranting. There's just something about them when they're in my energy field. Sometimes it doesn't happen 'til they're within arms distance, and sometimes it's just the same room. Sometimes it's a conversation - maybe meaningful, maybe not. There are some people I have been very strongly attracted to, that, if I had seen a picture of them ahead of time, I wouldn't have thought I would be attracted to them.
I have a HUGE crush on someone right now, and I have no real reason - I don't know him really at all. Well, not NO reason. He's very talented and handsome, and there is certain evidence of a favorable degree of intelligence and sense of humor, and maybe adorably shy. Or scared of me. It's hard to tell. I've only said one sentence to him. It's sad really. There's just SOMETHING.
?
AND why is there sometimes something there for one person and not another? It doesn't make sense when it's so magnetic! Are we attracted to THOSE people to reinforce our insecurities? I think yes, but I also think that's not the only reason.
Also, I'm a weirdo, because I know other people have a crush on this person, so I tell myself that it's not a real attraction, just that they're attractive. Why am I so weird? That's definitely a strange thing to think. Hopefully, someday I find someone who thinks my craziness is adorable. As opposed to disturbing.
So anyway,
I am a hypocrite. (but isn't everybody?) There is a person I have a massive crush on, but I am too chicken to do anything about it. He doesn't live by me though, (LA) so that's a good excuse right? I did have a few chances to talk to him, but I balked in the most pathetic way. The last time I was so nervous, I felt like I was about to cry, so I thought it would be better if that DIDN'T happen, and opted out of talking to him.
So I just wanted to tell you that so you would know what a hypocrite I am. (It only seems fair) Thought you might appreciate it. After all the arguing that you should definitely tell the person who you like, that you like them, I just can't do it.

Maybe it's because I don't know him, so I don't think it's fair for me to like him yet. The only way I can think of to get to know him is on myspace, and I kind of think that's lame. But I don't know what else to do without stalking. I will tell him someday, I think.
Also, I have a superstition about publishing blogs about people you have a crush on. It seems like it would be bad karma or something, and that it will mean that it will never work out. But I think I need help. Or maybe if I say it enough I will get used to the idea, and then finally talk to him. Or I will talk about it too much and it will kill it. Which would be sad. Or helpful. I don't know.
Oh geez.

fortune cookie

2008-05-26T02:12:00.007-06:00

Yesterday my fortune cookie said,

YOU ARE HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

that was really comforting and exciting news. even from a fortune cookie. ESPECIALLY from a fortune cookie. but it would have been inspiring from almost anyone. (that may or may not be true...)

i feel much better now

2008-05-22T02:00:00.002-06:00

it was good to get that out. much less depressed now :)
even more after that smiley
ahhhhh....
sigh

The reason I never blog

2008-05-21T22:59:00.004-06:00

I only have depressed things to say. I spend all day trying to get other people to have a more positive outlook, not wanting them to say anything negative, but maybe it's because my outlook is already negative enough that I can't take hearing it from other people. Or maybe I think that no one else has a good enough reason to be as unhappy as they sound, and I don't think I have a good enough reason to BE HAPPY. I don't know but I just never want to talk to anyone because I don't want them to hear my negative thoughts, but then I just get so isolated. I DO try to think of positive things to say about myself or my life, but it just sounds like bullshit to me, so... not helpful - it just makes me more depressed.
It's almost as if it's a gift when other people tell me their crap, because then I'm forced to talk them up, which makes me sound like a positive person, and makes me think more positively in that moment, but I think maybe I am only positive when it's not about myself.
Like, I have a couple of friends who are so beautiful, but they don't know it I guess. They just don't know how great they are, and it KILLS me! I get so angry at the idiots they pine over, or just when they get sad about some guy not liking them. I'm like,"Who cares! You're a gorgeous talented amazing person! Who cares if Joe Blow doesn't like you, some other amazing person WILL!" And then I say, "who cares if anyone likes you, you're still amazing either way".
But then they get mad at me because I won't listen contently to their "problems". I'm not saying that they aren't problems, but the problems aren't exactly what they think they are.
My wish for the whole entire world is for everyone to know how fantastic they really are, but I think I want that so bad because that's the one thing I wish I could have. I don't know why I can't ever be good enough for myself.
I HATE that I'm writing this, but it's finally gotten to the point where if I don't talk because I'm afraid of saying something negative, I'm afraid I'll never get the chance to say another sincere thing to another person for the rest of my life. Or, at least for a very long time. Or, maybe just for longer than I'm willing to go anymore. I'm tired of trying to protect other people from me, and from themselves. I keep hoping and trying to evolve to some higher state of consciousness where I'm safe for myself and the rest of the world, but it's just not happening. And I'm feeling very alone. Blah blah blah
so anyway, that's why I never blog. and never talk to anyone unless I absolutely have to. I just can't stand the sound of my own voice. And it doesn't really matter if other people like it. I just don't. RIght now anyway. I hope it's not permanent. That would suck. Because the truth is, I want to use my voice (in any manner possible) more than anything in the world, but I don't ever do it because I dislike it so much. The sound of it. And the stupid stuff that it says. But not the feeling of using it. Maybe that's why some actors never watch their own films.
Bryant, I really wanted to write about something else when I told you I was going to blog, but I tried a few times, and I realized I had to write this first. And it doesn't help to write it to myself, cause, well duh, that's the problem. I keep trying to be ok with me but now I'm the only person I ever talk to, and to be honest, I've even stopped doing that. Not true. I talk to myself a little too much, I just don't write to myself. Cause then I have to read the crap. And it drives me crazy.

showing again...

2007-12-13T00:39:00.005-07:00

wow it's been a long time. I found this poem recently. It was written around the fall of 2005 maybe? anywayI really like it .

I think I like it because even though it was inspired out of a moment in time, it really describes a huge chunk of time. anyway, here you go...

THE FALL OF 2005...

Waiting again.
What am I waiting for?

Right now I'm waiting
for
a friend.
Not really.

I'm waiting
for
a man.
Someone
to save me
from
the train wreck
I've become.

He can't.

And
he's likely
Smart enough to know it.
To know
not to try it.

He offered me
friendship.
But
it's a long
way
to drive

For dinner.

With a girl
you don't know.

That you knew a million years ago.
But never knew.

What
am I waiting for?
Always paralyzed.
Waiting
for myself.

Waiting
for the changes
I'm not willing to make.

it's a bipolar world after all

2006-01-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

So... lately I've been thinking about my other blogs, about showing our skin and ourselves, and this has actually been on my mind quite often this past year. I've come to believe what the whole entire world already knows, which is, that the world needs all kinds of people, and that's exactly why there ARE different kinds of people.

When it comes to some things, I think that reservation can be a positive attribute. In fact, I think that these people tend to gravitate toward situations and careers that require this attribute. Science, engineering, surgery, etc. Pretty much any emergency situation, where emotions can impair one's ability to act. Some jobs and situations require a certain amount of detachment, as much as I hate to admit it.
But in other fields and situations, there are people who are constantly spilling their guts, and if they don't, it doesn't work as well.

In all aspects of art, people have to have a willingness to be vulnerable, and even to broadcast that vulnerability. There are fortunately people in this world who actually seem to have a NEED to broadcast their feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences - and when they are doing this through their art, that is when they are poised for success, because if they are holding back, people won't really "get" it. It just tumbles into the abyss. If it ever even gets off the ground. and I don't neccessarily mean that they will achieve financial success, but that their goal in creating a work that will be able to effectively reach people will be achieved. And some people may say, "Yeah it's the important jobs that require reservation." Well ok, then stop spending your important money on music, books, movies, plays, etc.

Just like it's really great that some people are just so funny all the time, and always make us laugh. And some people are there to talk with and help us reflect on ourselves and the world around us. And some people are just so fun and carefree, and others are so responsible. And we're grateful for all of them. And sometimes we get lucky and have a little of everything in a few people, but I think sometimes an extreme is a necessary evil.

So our strenghths and our weaknesses are often the same thing. (which everybody already knows) Sometimes I think that it's our imperfections that are perfect. Cause they're just the perfect thing. Like they were designed to all work perfectly together. I have another theory about this, but it's going somewhere else. Too big for blogging. But anyway, I'm going to try not to judge poeple (including myself) for not being more whatever, because then the world would be imbalanced.

Which it already is. Because there are of course things that we should all try to improve on, like not persecuting and killing people, and stuff like that. But I'm not talking about that right now.

Just like we say, "How can they be like that?" but we use whatever business or personality trait it is to get what we want, like cheap food, cheap merchandise, surgery from someone who doesn't break down crying every time they see someone injured, or emotional support from someone who is totally detached from their emotions.
Now of course there are situations where these extremes count for many of our trials in life. A dad who is a surgeon and emotionally unavailable; a friend who is a great artist and compassionate but has a hard time doing pretty much anything else because she is always freaking out about every little thing. But hey, we can figure this out, right?

survival of the un-fittest

2006-01-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

I went snowboarding last week, which is always good for a couple of reasons:
One, it is quite humbling... :)
and Two, it allows me to rest my mind from the madness that is usually swirling about in it, because the only thought there seems to be room for is how to survive from the top of the mountain to the bottom.

I decided I need to do dangerous things more often. Which brings me to remembering that, once upon a time, when my family had three kids in it, I the first-born, was the last of those three to learn to ride a two-wheeler bicycle, because I was completely horrified of (what I now know is inevitable) injury. I was reminded of this when my friend told me of a recent adventure in the mountains, which caused him to receive 17 stitches in his lower leg. I do not ever do things that would bring me to the POSSIBILITY of such a token. (which at the moment is a good thing, because no health insurance ) But you get my point.
But I want to say that today I went on an adventure similar to the 17-stitch inducing endeavor, (which really wasn’t THAT dangerous, especially if you’re me, because I’m not athletic enough to get the kind of velocity that my friend probably had) and I’m fine. Which is good, because otherwise I might not ever do it again….

"science versus romance"

2006-01-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

ummm... people just have no idea what "love" means. Sometimes, I think people use the word to validate themselves or their actions. Usually it's infatuation or just plain self-delusion. Sometimes people use spiritual things in the same way, claiming some sort of ethereal inspiration, or whatever, to validate something that is really just their own very strong feelings, impulses, or desires. Sometimes it really IS inspiration, but sometimes it's really NOT.

Most humans haven't emotionally or psychologically evolved enough to distinguish, so they attach their desire, impulse, etc. to whatever is the strongest word or concept that they know of, and think that must be it. Or they are just hoping. OR they are just hoping that if they attach that strong concept or word, in this case, "love", that no one will question them or dispute their actions or motives, which often aren't noble enough to bear the title of love. They're just too stupid to think that no one will see through it. Or maybe everyone else is too busy doing the exact same thing, so they DON'T see through it.

I've had a couple of guys tell me (very passionately) ( ick) that they "loved" me, and every time I remember it, I feel like puking. Right now I feel like puking. The reason is, they had no idea who I was -, nothing about my personal loves or passions or what was in my best interest, the list goes on. What they "love" is the idea of being together with someone and the possibility of sharing some sort of bonding experience or emotional or physical connection with that person. Or maybe even just the validation of their own worth in the hopes that their confession of "love" will prompt the other person to "love" them. Or some people "love" someone because it satiates their loneliness.
* I think, most often, they "love" the fantasy that they have attached this person to, and because that person is attractive to them in some way, they OBVIOUSLY would fit into the romantic fantasy just perfectly. (irony intended)*

I am going to quote my friend Bryan (I don't really know how to link stuff, so that might not work.)

"I think it would be worthwhile to start taking a look at our relationships with people, and the way we value people, in terms other than love. We don't have to stop loving people. Let's just eliminate that "love" word, and evaluate a person for who they are. It will help us to become less self centered. You see, the funny thing is, for as benevolent and selfless as "love" is supposed to be, love is all about the individuals own little world, regardless of the person they love. As soon as you say "I love [somebody]", you remove the reality of their person from the statement.

Example: I'll say I love... oh... I'll say "I love Brittany!!!" She's a fun girl to love, and I haven't told her I love her for a while. As soon as I say that, the statement is all about me. The meaning is all about what I feel for Brittany. It has nothing to do with who Brittany is, why I love her, or any of that. Brittany, as a conscious individual, is totally absent from the statement. She's just an object used for me to express what I personally feel"

Anyway I thought that was genius, I wish other people were that smart. The thing is, that when he talks about her and all the wonderful qualities that he sees, and the rest, he is showing her through a beautiful lens, which we know as the lens through which he is seeing and that looks much more like love than just stating his feelings, as he said.

Another friend of mine used to "love" this guy because he pretty much represented all that she wanted from life, and hadn't yet accomplished herself - it was like if he "loved" her back, then she wouldn't have to try so hard to become what she wanted to become, because somehow she would be fulfilled just being "loved" by the personification of all that she "loved". But really it was all that she WISHED - if she really loved it, truly, it would be a part of her, because she would have been striving for it out of love, unable to keep herself from doing so. Of course, that's MY own theory, though.

I always think I have the love thing figured out down to a science, but I think that ruins it for me, and there are some who would argue that science and love can't coexist. (This makes me think of Rilo Kiley's song, "science versus romance" I doubt it will help anything, but it's clever, as they often are.) ( i don't know how to link stuff, so you'll just have to go find it on your own)

love is a many-splendidly confusing thing

2006-01-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

I had a "friend" for years that I had a huge crush on, and I never said anything, and yes nothing ever came of it. And my reasons for not saying anything were because I didn't want to lose him as a friend and all that other stuff or I thought it would be weird, blah blah,blah. Well looking back, I doubt I made the right choice, because our friendship was forever tainted with my hope of us falling in love, and so I don't know...
I have mixed thoughts about it. Part of me thinks, that if the friendship was more important to me than telling him how I felt, then maybe that's all it was meant to be. Or maybe my feelings were not as important to me as spending time with this person - or maybe that's what my feeling were - wanting to spend time with this person, when I thought that I wanted this person to return the affection that I had for him... Part of me thinks that I just wanted his affection to validate my own worth. Part of me thinks, if I had it to do over, I would definitely tell him how I felt. The truth is, for all we know, maybe he did feel the same way, and we were both too chicken to say anything, so how ridiculous is that?

He's married now to the perfect girl for him, so none of this matters. But really looking back, I wonder if I really liked him as much as I thought I did, and didn't just want him to like me more than any other girl in the world.

And I wonder if you can really be a true friend to someone if you are always hoping that it will turn into something else? Because friends are supposed to be supportive and caring and I think that when you hang around with someone, hoping that they will have feelings for you, then THAT is what gets in the way of the friendship. Because it can tend to breed a hostility towards them, becase of them not returning your affection. I've been on both sides of this.

Emotions can be very confusing, especially when mixed with insecurity.
I really think that if you have feelings for someone, you should tell them. And it doesn't have to be this huge dramatic thing, either. The best confession of someone's feelings I ever had was when this guy who I was hanging out with, told me, "I am interested in you as more than a friend."
Now this didn't make me like him, but he was honest about his feelings, and wasn't trying to manipulate mine. It was an open invitation and an intelligent statement about only that he had feelings for me, and also his willingness to accept MY feelings, even if they didn't match his. I think this is a VERY important thing.

Well I guess everyone is different, but when a guy tells me his feelings for me, it doesn't change how I feel. If I liked him before, then I still do, if I didn't, then I still don't. The only exception to this is, when some guy expresses some ridiculous thing like "we are meant for each other" - that pisses me off, because how the hell is he supposed to know what I want or need? It is very important to be able to distinguish between feelings, wants and desires. They are not the same thing. Your feelings are, "I like this person". Your wants are, " I want this person to like me in return". Desires may be, " I want to make out with this person". or, "I want this person as a constant romantic companion". The thing is, it is just so complicated.

Now as intelligent people we must be willing to accept another person's feelings as just as valid as our own. Or lack thereof. And if they don't feel the same way about us as we do about them, then I guess we have no equation. Truth is, even when we find that the person dOES like us back and we start a relationship, we may find discrepancies in our feelings, wants, and desires later on, when we thought that their returning of our affection was one thing, and we find out it was something completely different. I think this is part of what people refer to as "emotional intelligence". It is so hard to distinguish between our feelings of affection, and our desires.

2006-01-13T03:10:00.000-07:00

ok, wow - that was a little longer than I thought...

scratching the surface... (Warning)

2006-01-13T00:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight I saw Memoirs of a Geisha, which was really pretty, and it had one of my favorite actresses in it - Michelle Yeoh - and I'm sure the book is better, but I haven't read it yet. I certainly HOPE it's better, anyway. But I'm pretty sure film school has ruined movies for me. I felt like the director was making too many assumptions about expecting that his audience has read the book, because I felt like I was only getting to scratch the surface, hmmmm... which relates to what I was going to say next.

Anyway, as I was driving home, I was thinking about myself in relation to the life/role of a Geisha. I was thinking about my own dignity, and grace, and the Geisha being trained to be the image of someone else's fantasy, instead of well, pretty much anything else that isn't that image. The fascinating thing is well, a few things - the power that she wields by personifying this fantasy - but also the power that she relinquishes because of it.
(I fear that this will end up sounding like guy-bashing, but I don't mean it to be, just know that it is my own torment) (like anyone is reading this anyway)

There are so many interesting concepts in this story. One, the main character, is a very beautiful woman when she is (what the makeup artist did a very good job at making us believe is) bare-faced, and they cover her stunning beauty with artistry that is somewhat grotesque. It hides her beauty, while maintaining another manufactured facade of beauty. Her charm is also manufactured. She says and does the perfect things to melt the stubborn heart of someone she has no feelings for, and must absolutely not act in this charming way towards the person for whom she has true affection. The ironic thing is that this distance gives her power, but at the same time puts her exactly in the opposite place from where she wants to be.
(don't worry though, he shared her affection all along, so I guess it doesn't matter in this case.)

Ok, THEN they all start bidding the highest price for her virginity. What? What is so valuable about that? "Congratulations, buddy, you just paid a hell of a lot of money for something I would've given anybody who had paid a penny more than you had, and it's that easy. And now I'm going to go back to my life and keep doing what I've been doing and it's nothing but a rite of passage for me, and some f-ed up ego trip for you." Which is also very ironic, because now they say she is a true Geisha, but they still were disgusted by a Geisha who slept with lots of men, AND, in fact, it was like it was only okay if they were bought and paid for, but they were dirty if they gave it out of their own will or desire. AAARGH!!!!
Okay, so this is probably one of the points of telling this story, because if everything was peachy and made sense, then they would have no reason to tell us about how remarkable (remarkably messed up) it was. But I digress. As I often do.

But the thing that I really wanted to say - that I was thinking on my drive home - was about the element of power that one gains by SUPPRESSNG one's "self" versus the power they gain by EXPRESSING their "self". Now I'm sure this can go both ways but since I am female, it is going to be expressed from my p.o.v.

I was thinking about the benefits of exhibiting only grace, only evenness and "healthy" emotional distance, from everyone and everything. I exhibit only strength. My feathers are never ruffled. I exhibit only what are considered the most elegant traits. I am viewed as strong and elegant and graceful. I have ultimate power. The world is mine for the taking. But the other parts are still there, in fact, they are there for whomever were to be lucky enough to crack me open, because intimacy (and I'm not talking just physical) reveals the aspects of a person that exist in a place that is separate from the world.

So, the parts that are hidden by this woman's mask are her weaknesses, her insecurities, her frailty. Now this doesn't seem right, bacause the person who falls for this woman becomes attracted to the qualities she exhibits to the outside world, her strength and grace, but because he is lucky enough to enter her private world, the part she has hidden which becomes her intimate self, the "her" that he gets is her weakness and frailty. But that's not what he thought he was getting.

In the other case, in the event of exhibiting one's weaknesses to the world, and keeping hidden one's grace and strength, one would tend to repel the very person that was looking for someone of her strength and grace. Which is too bad, because it seems like it would be a really nice surprise. I don't know that the guy that she DID end up attracting would be disappointed, I'm really not sure how that would go...
Or maybe (and this is a BEST case scenario) that would be the right guy for her, because he loved her weakness, and so his gift was to see her strength and grace, which no one else sees. But that doesn't seem quite right either, does it? But what is more likely to happen, is that there was a reason (most likely dark) that he was attracted to her weaknessess, and now he will find beauty that he wasn't bargaining for - which may sound backward, and it is - but oddly enough, it happens. Let's hope for the bast case scenario. It seems like a good deal.

But what I'm saying is -
If we hide parts of who we are - even and especially those that we or others feel are negative - we may attract the very person that would NOT be able to appreciate us and in fact FAIL to attract the type of person who WOULD. And so, it doesn't seem very good or effective to hide anything about oneself. BUT if we behave in a way where we have no qualms about exposing both our strengths and weaknesses, then what do we have left to give/show to the the person who DOES appreciate us and therefore deserves our intimate self that is supposed to be left over after everything that we have shown to the rest of the world? :/

Okay the funny thing is, I think I figured this out now that I wrote it, but I'm not sure if I have the energy or intelligence to write the answer to this conundrum. Maybe later. ...Or maybe not.

BUT I do think that this concept may be one of the ever-elusive reasons why "good girls" go for "bad guys" - maybe the girl is thinking that there's more to the guy than what he shows to the outside world OR maybe there's more to each of them than the rest of us see.

And IF anyone reads this, they will now be glad that they do not have to live in my head, because this is what it's like ALL the time.

bloggy disappointment

2006-01-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

This is lame. I don't like that I have to write in this stupid little box. I want it to be pretty. If anyone ever reads this, they won't know about the stupid box, unless they have blogger too, but just know that I'm writing in a dumb boring box and it sucks. who exactly am I speaking to ? Myself? Ok I guess that's alright. I think I'd rather write emails to people. I got a job today. Sort of. I actually got space in which to work today. So now I have to find work to do. How scary.

The funny thing is, the big thing I wanted to write a blog about, is how weird I think blogs are… It's like a strange form of pseudo-communication. I don't know about that. Why are we all posting thoughts on the internet, hoping someone will eavesdrop? Why can't we just talk to other humans? And if we don't really want people to eavesdrop, then why are we posting our thoughts on the internet? What is the world coming to? We eavesdrop on people, and we want them to eavesdrop on us. Great. Are we that afraid to face people, and yet we still want that connection? I am not excluding myself. The thing that inspired me to blog, was the fact that I was reading other people's blogs in order to get to know them, because they are too busy to have a conversation. So now I am writing my thoughts to no one, instead of to someone who can't respond. sAd.

Someone told me the other day that I'm remarkable because I'm someone who is comfortable in my own skin. I'm pretty sure he said that because he was impressed that I was willing to share my thoughts with him, my weaknesses, my confessions of being human and flawed. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't find that so remarkable. I thought I was communicating. It finally occurred to me what a funny coincidence it was that my opening up was interpreted as being comfortable in my skin. I don't think I've been comfortable in my own skin for a long time. I think he thought that by expressing myself, I was showing my skin. I'm pretty sure I was peeling it off.

It's okay.. it's your first blog...

2006-01-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

ok. I did it. I'm a blogger now. I'm suddenly speechless. Plus, I think I set it up wrong. Plus, it's 4:30 am. Plus..... I think there are some unwritten rules to this, and maybe I don't know them yet. Plus I'm suddenly sorry for editing my friend's blog. Plus goodnight. I feel like a deer in headlights.