I only have depressed things to say. I spend all day trying to get other people to have a more positive outlook, not wanting them to say anything negative, but maybe it's because my outlook is already negative enough that I can't take hearing it from other people. Or maybe I think that no one else has a good enough reason to be as unhappy as they sound, and I don't think I have a good enough reason to BE HAPPY. I don't know but I just never want to talk to anyone because I don't want them to hear my negative thoughts, but then I just get so isolated. I DO try to think of positive things to say about myself or my life, but it just sounds like bullshit to me, so... not helpful - it just makes me more depressed.
It's almost as if it's a gift when other people tell me their crap, because then I'm forced to talk them up, which makes me sound like a positive person, and makes me think more positively in that moment, but I think maybe I am only positive when it's not about myself.
Like, I have a couple of friends who are so beautiful, but they don't know it I guess. They just don't know how great they are, and it KILLS me! I get so angry at the idiots they pine over, or just when they get sad about some guy not liking them. I'm like,"Who cares! You're a gorgeous talented amazing person! Who cares if Joe Blow doesn't like you, some other amazing person WILL!" And then I say, "who cares if anyone likes you, you're still amazing either way".
But then they get mad at me because I won't listen contently to their "problems". I'm not saying that they aren't problems, but the problems aren't exactly what they think they are.
My wish for the whole entire world is for everyone to know how fantastic they really are, but I think I want that so bad because that's the one thing I wish I could have. I don't know why I can't ever be good enough for myself.
I HATE that I'm writing this, but it's finally gotten to the point where if I don't talk because I'm afraid of saying something negative, I'm afraid I'll never get the chance to say another sincere thing to another person for the rest of my life. Or, at least for a very long time. Or, maybe just for longer than I'm willing to go anymore. I'm tired of trying to protect other people from me, and from themselves. I keep hoping and trying to evolve to some higher state of consciousness where I'm safe for myself and the rest of the world, but it's just not happening. And I'm feeling very alone. Blah blah blah
so anyway, that's why I never blog. and never talk to anyone unless I absolutely have to. I just can't stand the sound of my own voice. And it doesn't really matter if other people like it. I just don't. RIght now anyway. I hope it's not permanent. That would suck. Because the truth is, I want to use my voice (in any manner possible) more than anything in the world, but I don't ever do it because I dislike it so much. The sound of it. And the stupid stuff that it says. But not the feeling of using it. Maybe that's why some actors never watch their own films.
Bryant, I really wanted to write about something else when I told you I was going to blog, but I tried a few times, and I realized I had to write this first. And it doesn't help to write it to myself, cause, well duh, that's the problem. I keep trying to be ok with me but now I'm the only person I ever talk to, and to be honest, I've even stopped doing that. Not true. I talk to myself a little too much, I just don't write to myself. Cause then I have to read the crap. And it drives me crazy.
